Brought to you by the Center for Loss and Life Transition - Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., Director
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Raise your hand if you’ve heard that funeral ceremonies help youachieve “closure.”
It’s a common misconception. When someone we love dies, the deathindeed ends—forever—our experience of live, bodily presence with thatperson. The body is dead. It’s true—something essential is finished.It is over. A door has closed.
But while that one door is closing, many others are opening. In theearly days and weeks after the death—during the period in which afuneral or memorial service is commonly held—we grievers are justgetting acquainted with our grief and the six needs of mourning.
This graphic shows the six needs of mourning in pyramid form, andthey are the most essential reasons why we have had funerals since thebeginning of time. From the bottom up, funerals help us:
- Acknowledge the reality of the death.
- Remember the person who died and share memories.
- Support one another in our grief.
- Outwardly express our inner thoughts and feelings.
- Contemplate the significance of the life that was lived and worktoward finding meaning and purpose in continued living.
- Embrace the wonder of life and death and take a first step toward transcendence.
Notice that these “whys” of the funeral are not about endings butbeginnings. For example, are we done acknowledging the reality of thedeath when the funeral is over? No. Typically it takes weeks andmonths for us to fully acknowledge the reality not only with our headsbut our hearts. Are we done remembering the person who died orsupporting one another? Of course not. Have we finished expressing ourthoughts and feelings, searching for meaning, or reconciling andtranscending the death? Absolutely not.
Instead of a rite of closure, the funeral is better understood as arite of opening. It marks the formal, ritualized start of the time ofgrieving for those who love the person who died. Funerals that aretimely, rich in elements, inclusive of many people, and highlypersonalized put grievers on the right path. Such funerals launchhealthy mourning; they do not mark the end of it.
Yes, it’s true that the disposition of the body of the person whodied is one aspect of closure during the funeral process. And it’s animportant one. Caring for, spending time with, and honoring the bodyhelps us with the bottommost layer of the pyramid, especially. Whenthe body is finally laid to rest, we have completed a necessary taskthat assists with acknowledging the reality of the death—but still, weare not even close to being finished acknowledging the reality of the death.
Equating the completion of bodily disposition with “closure” onlyperpetuates the predominant, harmful notion that people should hurryup and “get over” their grief and return to normal as quickly aspossible. After all, in grief, there is no such thing as closure. Likeour love for someone who dies, our grief never ends. We don’t “getover it.” Instead, we learn to live with it as we find ways to liveforward with meaning and purpose. So the funeral is not about closure.It’s about a healthy start.
So what does the funeral offer if not “closure”?
As I’ve said, funerals that are timely, rich in elements, inclusiveof many people, and highly personalized help us in many ways. Here area few.
Good funerals puts families on a good path.
Good funerals help families begin to heal.
Good funerals provide a time and place for people to support one another.
Good funerals—like weddings, baptisms, birthday parties, etc.—mark animportant, once-in-a-lifetime transition.
When words are inadequate, we as humans have always, since thebeginning of time, turned to ceremony and rituals to help us through.
Without a funeral, people typically struggle much more with theirongoing, necessary grief.
Good funerals open the door to hope and healing.
Good funerals help us embark in healthy ways on our grief journeys.
Good funerals provide an effective, time-honored starting point.
So the next time you hear someone promise that a funeral will provideclosure, I hope you will remember our discussion in this article. Infact, you might offer this rejoinder: “Closure? I’m just getting started.”
About the Author
Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a respected author and educatoron the topic of healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Centerfor Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the Universityof Colorado Medical School's Department of Family Medicine. Dr.Wolfelt has written many compassionate, bestselling books designed tohelp people mourn well so they can continue to love and live well.Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about the natural andnecessary process of grief and mourning and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.
